Helping Children Cope With Divorce

When it comes to coping with children and divorce, much of the unsolicited advice that well-meaning friends offer includes a statement about how the “real” victims of the divorce are the children. It is as if the mother and father had not ever thought about the negative impacts on their kids before coming to this decision. In reality, knowing that the kids will be inevitably be affected by a divorce in some way, is probably the hardest part of the divorce for most parents.

To try to make the process as healthy as possible, it’s important parents explain to their kids what is happening, and that it is not their fault. Because attorneys are not therapists, they will often recommend that clients and their children begin therapy at some point in the separation process. Statistics show that therapy, especially therapeutic games, can help mitigate some of the long term effects of divorce. Parents, who are the most “tuned in” to their children’s emotional needs, may or may not notice signs of anxiety or depression in their children. It is important to consult with daycare providers, teachers and other adults who interact with the kids. It’s not likely that their friends will disclose anything your children told them and it is not fair to put a child in a position to betray another.

However, it is important that the children’s friends know that the parents care about how the child feels throughout this process. As out-of-control as parents might feel, it is very important to keep a child’s life as normal as possible. Try to maintain as much of the child’s daily routine despite the fact that it means one parent or the other might “get” more time with them. Try not to make decisions about the kids’ lives based only upon the desire to get even with or punish a spouse, such as when one spouse decides to move before final decisions are made. In the end, this type of behavior only hurts the children.

Spouses who constantly “bad-mouth” the other spouse in front of the children are hurting them quite deeply. As rotten as the other parent might have been, children are not able to fully understand why it is so hurtful to an adult in a marriage. Barring a situation where the children have been abused or neglected by a parent, communication with both parents is healthier for children. Since children see themselves as a part of both parents, speaking negatively about the other parent sends the message to the kids that they are unloved, or hated, because they are half like the other parent.

As adults in a horrible situation, which going through a divorce usually is, not reacting to the other soon-to-be ex’s latest antics at the family dinner table is extremely difficult, to say the least. It is even harder when one parent commits delinquency and wants nothing to do with the children during, or after the divorce, leading to single parenting. Another negative risk is if conditions of payment of child support on the time spent with the children become contrary to a court order.

On the other end of the spectrum is the parent in the better financial situation who uses his or her wealth to influence the children’s opinion of the other parent. While this parent appears to the world to be a great divorced parent who is not neglecting the needs and wants of the children, the parent is subtly and indirectly portraying the other parent as less important and less caring, simply because he or she has fewer resources.

This type of behavior works in the short term—precisely because children are, well, children. They are easily influenced by wealth, power, peer-acceptance and stability. Often, while the children are indulged by one parent, the other parent is desperately struggling to make ends meet. Children grow to resent the parent who is unable to earn the same income as the other parent (which is the result of many factors including education, child-rearing and treatment by the other spouse). They resent that this parent is not able to provide the exotic vacations, designer clothes, fancy cars and private college tuition. The parent that provides these things is a hero and soon becomes the favorite. The children often view the other parent as uncaring or selfish because he or she cannot provide the same material goods. It really is a rare child who might be able to fend off the influence of the wealthier parent at such a young age.

Ideally, a good divorce attorney will take these under-the-radar behaviors into account when negotiating with the other parent’s lawyer. Going to counseling and having a therapist document the behavior in notes and reports can help. The attorney will also work to equalize the financial situations of the parents and take into account the educational and employment background of the parent he or she represents.

Often, payment of child support and maintenance (alimony) affects the tax considerations of a client. While receiving child support is non-taxable income in most states, receiving alimony is taxable. A divorce attorney will consider the impact of both on the client and advise about the best way to structure these payments. Other important considerations are a spouse’s contributions to the other’s educational, business or personal financial achievements and how the spouse should be compensated for this.

The long term effects of divorce and children are documented in study after study, many of which contradict each other. However, most studies do agree that the following factors will negatively affect children in some way over the long term.

• -Great income and wealth inequalities between the divorcing parents leaving the children to witness the one parent’s ongoing financial struggles.
• -Speaking negatively about the other parent to the children.
• -Intentionally excluding one parent from the children’s activities and sports.
• -Refusing to allow the children to see the other parent or grandparents.

Divorcing is probably one of the most traumatic events in life. Retaining an attorney who is experienced with many of the tangential issues that accompany the process of divorcing is paramount to the parent’s and children’s health, financial stability and long-term well being.